I do a lot of blogging about how great life is,
but let's face it,
there are bad parts too.
One of those bad parts has been looming in my mind for a few months,
and now I need to vent.
Bear with me, friends.
Hear me out, and let me know what you think.
Child support.
Probably one of the ugliest parts of divorce.
I have experienced what it's like on both sides of the fence.
i.e. I've been the recipient of child support
and part of the giver {meaning married to a man who pays child support}
The problem with child support is that the laws governing its distribution are frankly archaic.
They were rewritten in the 1980's, in a completely different era of parenting
and need to be modernized to represent the divorced couple of today.
They were written when divorced dads were "weekend fathers"
and didn't spend the amount of time with their children that they do now which is a good thing.
In addition,
it's not something that can simply be decided upon according to a mathematical formula.
There are variables that need to be considered.
I receive child support.
I appreciate what I get.
I'm not looking to bleed the father of my children dry so that he cannot enjoy his own time with our children.
I constantly think about that.
Here begins the problem.
A lot of women don't think about that.
They go for broke.
In all honesty, how much do you spend per child in your home per month?
I would say somewhere around $500 is average.
That's a good average.
With that said, when custody is split 50/50 or 60/40,
why is the father paying, in many circumstances, almost 3 times
the average amount it takes to monetarily take care of a child per month?
What is that money going to?
According to The National Father's Resource Center,
one of the biggest flaws is that the courts simply assume the custodial parent is spending
the child support money on the child,
when in a lot of households, it actually goes to other sources.
Yes, I've done a little research.
It's not a divorced father's responsibility to take care of his ex wife's entire family.
Only his child.
I have friends that receive ridiculous amounts of child support from their exes, and I just don't get it.
Their childrens' fathers are extremely involved in their lives,
yet they are forced to pay an amount that inhibits them from being able
to do certain things with their kids when they are with them due to financial constraints.
I am all for women getting what is needed.
But when do women step up,
and take as much care of their children as their fathers do?
It took 2 to make the child;
it takes 2 to be financially responsible.
One more thing...are you still here?
Once a child support order is in place,
is there ever a reason to change it?
It depends.
Just because you can is not a reason.
If your ex was unable to pay enough to simply cover his half at the time of divorce,
it is reasonable to expect a change in the future when said parent gets on his feet.
Because the father works hard to take care of his family,
and is in return rewarded with a pay increase while still paying a more than acceptable
monthly child support payment is not a reason.
Why would a mother go after her child's father for more money
simply because he has had success?
Why is a women even allowed to do that when the amount she is already given is satisfactory?
It baffles me.
Especially when the mother is remarried and has a 2 income home.
This is where divorced men get the shaft.
Don't get me wrong.
There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there that need to go to jail for not supporting their kids.
But, what about the ones that are active participants in every part of their children's lives?
And breathe.......What do you think?
34 comments:
I have never had to deal with divorce and child support but have a friend who has...TOTALLY AGREE with your whole post!!!! SAD that women take advantage of their ex like that!!!!!!!!
Great post! Like you, I'm on both ends too. Because of the formula deciding child support, I receive a 1/3 of what my husband has to pay his son's mom. You can't tell me it takes that much more to raise him vs. raising my daughter. Very frustrating!
What do they mean by "other recourses?" As long as my child is being taken care of, I will spend the money as I see fit. Whether I use my money, or the fathers CS to buy their clothes, what would it matter? Either way, we are both taking care of our child. Obviously, I would be spending money on them, too. Now it would be different if they paid CS,and I never bought my child anything with my money or his CS. That definitely could not happen.
Their child support would not be based on children that are not theirs anyway. They also shouldn't be paying if custody is 50/50.
I experience this on both sides of the fence, too. I am the same as you. I do not try to bleed my ex dry. I always discuss things with him before I sign my son up for any extracurricular activities. I pay for everything out of his child support. But, that's only if I'm receiving it. I am owed $10,000 in back child support. This means I have taken care of my son on my own for many years.
My fiances ex nickels and dimes him to death! She doesn't discuss anything with him. She just hands him a bill and tells him to pay his half! Very unacceptable!! He also carries the insurance on her(not through his job), but still has to pay 50% of her medical bills. How is that fair? I could go on and on about this. lol I feel your frustration.
When I say I pay everything out of his CS, I mean I do not ask extra for half of medical bills or extracurricular activities. My fiance has to pay his CS plus 1/2 of everything else.
GREAT POST GIRL! I dated a guy that had a daughter. He was more of the 'weekend dad' kind of guy and sadly didn't do much with her at any other time which is another reason I'm so glad we didn't work out but I am still friends with him. He has 3 children from 3 different mothers now and I will say that he has been raked over the coals. Everytime he got a raise, he had to go back to court so the first 2 wives could get more money. When he married kid #3's mom, he decided to take a pay cut by moving jobs just so his child support checks would be less. That is pretty sad....even for a weekend dad. I hate that for him.
I agree completely with everything you said in your post.
I can totally relate. My brother has been divorced for...ummmm..4-years.
He's on DISABILITY at 41! He has a pacemaker...
His kids are 21, 19 and 17.
Can you believe my SIL is taking him back to court for more money for the 2 that are still at home? Ridic or what????
I think it's downright their way of getting revenge. For what? I don't know?
My SIL cheated on brother. Sorry..but she's a hoebag.
Sorry for the rant.
Hang in there.
Thankfully, I do not have clue about this situation and I have no idea how this stuff gets decided. It sounds like there are too many scenarios that come into play to say one formula fits all. I say, if you are adult enough to get married, have kids and then decide it is best for you to split, then be adult enough to work out what is best for the children. The child who needs both parents to care for him or her is what this is really about, not one spouses success over the other. It is sad that good parents and utimately the children end up suffering because of the slackers. God bless you.
I like your posts better when you talk about all the success you guys are having and the money you're spending.
Dear Anonymous,
So sorry to have struck a nerve. My sweet husband and I will continue to be successful and spend our money wisely. Enough already.
Dear Other "Anonymous",
I appreciate your eloquence. To each her own. I can't imagine why you are lashing out. Thanks for reading my blog!
I love you so much Allison... No matter what barriers hit us, we will ALWAYS prevail! Just remember, we have been here before and as long as we continue to love each other deeply, stay strong and true to each other, we will always come out on top!!
Love,
Your Husband
I have zero experience with this, but I can imagine how frustrating it is.
How much time does the child spend with the dad each week? Is it 50/50? Does the child have a full closet of clothes at your house? Does he eat half of his meals at your house? Does your husband pay for his extracurricular activities like basketball or baseball? Does your husband buy the child clothes for school? Take him on vacations? Pay health insurance or medical bills? If so...why is child support even needed? I think these are things the court needs to consider when setting up payments.
Hang in there!!
Allison - great post. I am the product of divorced parents and had a "weekend dad" who didn't pay a lot of his child support (and it wasn't a large sum). I think today is completely different because custody is split more evenly and the kids are at each parents half the time in a lot of cases. If both parents are caring for the child and providing the necessities, I can't think of why child support would be needed. Child support isn't alimony, it is to support the child. In addition, many of the father's pay for the child's insurance through their work and that should be accounted into the whole child support formula. Good luck!!
I hope I never have to deal with this. You know, I may sound ignorant but please forgive me. But if the wife is working and the custody is split, shouldn't she pay too? I mean isn't it fair?
Sorry you are dealing with this...
And Anon? I don't understand why you are reading this blog just to make ugly comments. If you don't like what is being said then don't read...Blogs are personal and to share thoughts of what you want your blog to read...no need to be so hateful...
I have a child from another man and he pays $500/month. That pays for only 1/5 of his hockey. That's not including braces, daily food, clothes, hockey equipment, sickness, etc. We have a 2 income family as well but goodness gracious, I can completely see where there needs to be more than 500/month... Sounds a little one sided to me...there's two stories to every side...would love to hear the other party...
Anonymous,
Yes, there are 2 sides to every story, and I appreciate your tactful comment. I can see your point. Sports and braces are a whole other animal, and divorced parents should work out an agreement outside of child support for such things since they don't typically last until the child is 18. I'm in that same situation with braces, and my ex is supposed to pay me half of the expenses for them on a monthly basis.
I am all for women getting what they deserve. I am just also for divorced dads getting equal treatment. That's it. Good luck with your situation. :)
Poor loser anonymous. He or she must not make enough money to support his wife and step child. That is sad. What Ryan is doing is what a REAL man does. If he loves his wife, he loves her children. Unconditionally. Like his own.
And that means being a man and supporting your wife, kids, stepkids. Providing them with a HOME that is theirs. And providing them with love and showing love and respect to THEIR mother.
It is simple really. Ryan is amazing.
Thanks, girls, for all the kind words and letting me vent. It's funny how much better I feel today!! Good ol' Blogland. :)
Wait a second.....is that last anonymous saying they spend $2500 a month on hockey? That seems a bit excessive. While I have no personal experience with this, the system seems a bit flawed. Does the mother have the right to go after more money everytime the father receives a pay increase? What if the mother re-marries? As long as the current child support is meeting the needs of the child(food, clothing, shelter) then it does not seem that more child support should be rendered. Special situations such as braces, medical expenses, and sports should be split evenly between the parents. Also, does the father carry the insurance?
Mer,
Child support can be reviewed every 2 years I believe, and nothing changes when a parent remarries. The system definitely needs to be reviewed.
In Texas, the father is supposed to provide medical coverage which Ryan does, and he pays half of medical expenses whenever he is presented with a request to do so, especially when it's something like a surgery or something.
How bout keeping all your personal issues between the ones that know and the ones that NEED to know.
Dear "Anonymous",
I'm not sure why my post is bothering you so much that you feel the need to keep commenting. I never said anything negative about my personal situation. In addition, the issue of child support is not some big secret unless perhaps you are uncomfortable with your own situation. As you can see by the many comments, it is something many people have feelings about and feel completely comfortable discussing. That's what blogs are for. Thanks for the advice though!
Dear Soladay family, looks like you guys have it all figured out and are on your way to the top!
Pretty soon you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.
In the interim, you'll just have to pay child support like the rest of the dads out there. Sorry there's no special clause that excludes really cool people from having to pay.
Wow. You sure are angry. I'm sorry.
When did I ever say dads shouldn't pay child support?
Thanks for stopping by!
Wow! I am so sorry anonymous is blog bullying. That is what a blog is all about, sharing your story. It is meant to be your personal business. I applaud you for writing about life. That you are a real mom, with a real life and share with us all that it is not sunshine and roses everyday. You have the best husband!
On a side note, I learned today that the laws were written for child support to discourage lower income families from divorcing and upper income men from abandoning their families because most of the life of America, women were considered chattel (property).
That concludes that it does need to be re-written, re-considered. Woman are no longer given in marriage with a dowry. Thank God!
Hang in there. You are far more kind than I would be.
I loved your post and it is your blog you feel fee to comment about what ever you like. If Anonymous does not like it they can quit reading. I also feel that in some instances child support has created dead beat mothers who need to get off the couch and get a job.
Stay strong and things will all work out. Ignore the anonymous post. Obviously they are two afraid to be known in person.
My parents got divorced when I was a teenager. My dad paid his CS but it was meager. We never had a lot of money. My older sister & I babysat to earn money. We got very little towards "school" clothes... we took care of what we wanted/ needed above that. We were NOT in sports or anything extra. We all worked together to make it.
I feel for you... it's NOT fair that some women will be vultures.
Also, I am sorry for those making nasty comments. I love hearing your stories & I LOVE that you guys have made fun memories with your kids. Your real friends are supportive & happy for you in your successes.
Keep your chin up.
Dear Anonymous,
I cannot express my sincere appreciation for the honesty of your comment. Thank you so much!
wowza!!! Luckily I am not in that situation so I don't know first hand. I think alot of mom use the child support to support themselves, especially if they are in a state that does not do allow alimony. Now if the dad is not involved, then get all you can. I would hope if it ever happened to me, we would split the money and the raising 50/50
Geez, I just read all the comments. There are some bitter people. Perhaps they should not read blogs or spend beyond their means!!!! If you can't afford hockey, then don't play. That's all I have to say
I have read your blog for a long long time and don't think I have ever commented. But this post hits home with me. I see both sides of the fence as well on this issue. I both receive child support and my husband pays child support. In my situation, I agreed to a lesser amount than what was figured out that I "should" have gotten, but I think it's fair. And I've never sought to get it adjusted EVEN THOUGH my ex has made it his mission to make sure that I spend about the same amount on legal fees each month as I receive in child support. Aggravating, but still not worth having it adjusted. In my husband's situation, there is a whole other issue that the courts don't consider. His ex wife, is now a lesbian and has a "life partner" that has a very lucrative career and makes more than my husband. And yet she is continually trying to get more and more simply because she sees that he is succeeding. The courts need to rework their formulas for determining the amount of support, for sure, and take all factors into consideration. Just because one parent is making more money doesn't mean it costs more for either parent to provide for a child. I receive less for my 3 children than what he pays for his 2...even though both men had similar incomes at the time of each of our divorces...how does that work??? The system is so messed up.
Dear Browns,
Thank you so much for the comment. You have quite a situation on your hands. I wish the rules of child support weren't so black and white so things like this couldn't happen. Hang in there!
Completely inappropriate.
Completely inappropriate for those with a guilty conscious, but thanks anyway! :)
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